An excerpt from a conversation with Dr. Mohammad Ali Sadeghlou .
This is a conversation between the author and Dr Mohammad Ali sadeghlou, a psychologist and family counselor,.
Child development lies its root in their parents. Nothing can overcome the rigidity of a child’s upbringing. A parent thereby acts as a visionary to their children. But,mostly Parents make unrealistic demands of their kids thus, risking their kids’ mental, emotional and physical well-being .
The child’s personality is developing and he/she is more sensitive than adults. Although no child is free from this pressure!It is the wish of every parent that their child succeeds in various fields and be a source of pride and pride for the family. Many parents do not spare any effort in this way and sometimes try to be the “best” in various fields. But are these expectations100% right?
In this article, we intend to examine the harms and pressures caused by the unrealistic parental expectations in order to prevent negative consequences by providing a better perspective.
Do not destroy your child’s self-confidence:
Parents should never put performance pressure on their children.Constantly asking our child to be the best in various fields, regardless of his or her true talents and abilities, has been recognized as one of the most important factors in destroying his or her self-confidence and personality vulnerability.
Dr. Mohammad Ali Sadeghlou, a psychologist and family counselor, says in this regard: “Since the criteria that parents set for their child are often beyond his/her actual ability, it is natural that the child achieves the expected result in achieving the goal set by the parents.” He does not succeed and feels a kind of frustration.
If he increases his efforts to overcome this self-concept and again does not achieve the desired and ideal result, he will suffer from deep anxiety. Repetition of this issue can strangely destroy a large part of a child’s self-confidence.
In order to achieve the goal expected by the parents, the child pays all his attention to reach the desired point and “being the best”; For this reason, he/she never feels the feeling of personal satisfaction and step-by-step growth in himself/herself. Such a child never realizes how much effort is needed to achieve success; Because the extent of his/her efforts is determined by the ambitions and perfectionism of his/her parents.
Comparing your children with that of your neighbor’s children or cousins
Unfortunately, in today’s world, many of the efforts of parents to educate and improve their children’s skills is the result of parents’ eye-popping and competition for bragging through their children’s success; For this reason, parents force their children to learn skills and arts that have nothing to do with their child’s interest, talent, and ability.
The atmosphere of society and the family sometimes dictates that the child must go to a language class, sometimes the fever of music rises, sometimes painting becomes fashionable, sometimes learning astronomy is a sign of education and prestige, and in the meantime children become actors in a play staged by their parents. !
Parents should find the interest ,talent and capability of their child and guide them in a way sothat he / she enjoys what he / she has learned and feels cheerful while learning and cultivating talent. Notably,psychologists and family counselors can play a guiding role.
Isolation of children due to parental aggression:
Another harm that a child suffers from high parental expectations is depression and a desire for isolation.
If the child is constantly under pressure and the anxiety is accompanied by the fact that there are expectations beyond his/her abilities, he/she will suffer a regular failure that leads to helplessness.
This helplessness is a form of depression in practice, and depression can manifest itself in isolation and academic failure. In general, stress and anxiety, in addition to hindering the child’s happiness and the flourishing of the child’s talents, reduce his desire to communicate with the world around him. Parents’ expectations shold commensurate with the child’s age, ability, level of physical and mental development, and it should be noted that these abilities are not the same in children.
Formation of incompatibility in the child:
If parents expect too much from their children irrespective of their age, growth rate and skills defined in terms of their age, children will gradually show signs of incompatibility in their reactions. This incompatibility can appear in different dimensions. Excessive aimless activity, unfinished work, disobedience, aggression with other children, speech problems, carelessness and recklessness, talking too much, harassing others, stubbornness and similar behaviors are some of the signs of incompatibility and stress.
It is necessary to emphasize that a child who is loaded with high expectations and finds himself incapable of adapting to them, gradually loses his imagination about his/her abilities and develops unpredictable behaviors and emotions. For this reason, the reflection of negative factors resulting from high expectations of children at puberty is greater than at younger ages. This reduces the motivation needed for daily activities, especially during adolescence.
Note the child’s interests:
Sometimes a child has enough talent and ability to grow in some areas, but due to lack of interest, he does not make good progress in this area. Much of the interest is generated by the environment and education.
Talent goes back to the nervous system and genetic abilities, and interest is what is created in connection with the encouragement, joy, and excitement that activity creates in a child. If the child does not progress in the activity despite the talent and pressure of the parents, it can be a reason for the child’s apathy.
Our expectations from our children prevent them from growing up according to their own mental laws, and instead we impose mandatory standards and regulations on them from the outside. When a child is forced to spend time and energy on an activity that does not please him/her, he/she gradually becomes anxious in addition to boredom.
Unexpectedly with your children; be happy and supportive. We are by your side.
TRANSLATOR: SALMA SYED
KEYWORDS: parents , false expectation ,unrealistic standards, competition ,false comparisons, mental development , depression ,talent ,future, successful child.